Re-engaging

Psalm 42:7 states that "Deep calls to deep." What is striking me lately is how important relationships are in life. I think even before I left for Africa, God was showing me walls I had built to keep out deep and meaningful relationships. That is not to say I don't have loving friends and family. I just have learned that shallow relationships are more convenient and usually less painful then the time consuming task of getting to know someone. This is the nature of DC as well. We casually ask, "how are you?" But are too busy to listen to a real answer or to be there for someone if they really need support. We feel we have caught up with acquaintances if we go on facebook and read their profile status. Texting has replaced conversations on the telephone which has replaced visiting friends and family in person.


This summer, I unabashedly, unconditionally loved the babies at Cradle of Love. Every night was a bonding night as we didn't have technology to distract us, sometimes didn't have electricity, and so we shared stories of our lives and built community. God brought down my walls and poured through me His love onto my new friends and the babies. I was fulfilled, joyful, content by His love and in pouring love into the lives around me. Coming back has been a rude awakening. While I was peacefully ignorant or maybe resignedly satisfied before I left for Africa, I am painfully aware of the hollowness of my relationships now and I feel lonely. Initially coming back from Africa, I withdrew from friends and family because I was overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't explain. But now begins the hard process of re-engaging in relationships. And I am realizing, I am not going to be satisfied with surface level relationships anymore. I am also realizing how much harder it is to engage in relationships here with all the "noise" getting in the way.

I came across this passage in another blog:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God's will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness...We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it. What I know about love and believe about love and giving ones heart began in this. (C.S. Lewis-The Four Loves)

Loving others in Africa was easy, loving others here in America, I don't know how to do. Help me Lord, to love like You, sacrificially. To engage others in deep relationships with me and with You.

Home

It has been over a week since I have arrived home in D.C. and I feel overwhelmed with emotions. It was awesome to arrive to my sweet friends at the airport. It has been great to catch up with family and to be reunited with Leroy! I love water pressure, dishwashers, cars, high speed (!) internet and no ants. But, I feel like my heart is still in Africa. I miss the babies terribly and wish to steal and cuddle babies I see passing on the street (don't worry, I haven't). School hasn't started yet so I sit at home, staring at pictures and chatting with my African friends all day. I feel conflicted about my sadness. On one hand, I want to PRAISE the Lord for the amazing summer He gave me. Not in my wildest dreams could I imagine the things He allowed me to experience. My heart expanded this summer from the love He poured into me and through me in loving the babies and the other wonderful people I met in Africa. I should be happy and joyful, not depressed. Yet, things feel different here and I have been changed. And it is hard to explain this to friends and family. When asked, "how was Africa?" I feel at a lost of how to explain my trip. So I give the highlights, change the subject, or in the last few days, just avoid people.

I guess I am still processing and unsure of what God wanted me to take away from this trip. Some things I am certain of, like the love and joy of the people in Africa. How poverty isn't synonymous with unhappiness. It is interesting to me how people can say, "How can God be a loving God when people are poor and suffering?" But, I found it easier to see God in Africa, in the simplicity of lives and kindness to one another, then I do here in America. In America there is so much "noise" that drowns out the people of God, such as materialism and the emphasis of power and beauty...

Will I return? I don't know. I can't imagine not returning but even that question sends me in a turmoil of emotions that I know I need to surrender to God and that whatever His answer may be, be patient. So, that is about where I stand. Anyway, here is a picture of my wonderful friends welcoming me at the airport.

Love,

Jess

Do I have to say goodbye?

Coming back to Cradle of Love, after Zanzibar, was a hero's welcoming. The babies screamed with delight, ran over to me, and covered me with hugs and kisses. I was surprised how much bigger a few of the babies looked after only a week. And I think the reality is, I am finally noticing how big they have grown this summer. Even Carolina, crawled for the first time, while I was gone =( So sad to have missed it. It is going to be hard missing out on these babies growing up, I am so attached to them now. Especially my precious triplets. I really want to pack them with me and bring them home.

I feel as though every hug, kiss, laugh and memory is extra special to me, knowing this is my last week with the babies. I know when I say goodbye, I am going to be a crying mess. In one sense, I am ready to come home. I miss family and friends. I especially hate that I haven't been there for friends during big moments in their lives this summer. I am ready to catch up and have basic comforts again. But in another sense, I don't want to leave these babies or Africa. I know I am going to miss the simplicity of life here, the focus on relationships, and even the smells and sounds of Africa. I will forever have etched in my mind little things like Prince's bear hugs, or how Martine says, "Mama Musa!" and how Rachel scowls when she doesn't get her way. I love how before dinner is served and the little babies are sitting in their seats, I give them all kisses and they light up in joy. I love Tumini's kissy face, Rebecca's laugh, Lowawsa's gummy smile, and even Bahati's screeches for attention. Oh, I love them so much and I am thankful to have been able to experience these little angels, but saying goodbye is going to be so hard to do...

From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise. Psalm 8:2

Sweetie Amina and the world is Prince's bathroom...

Ibriham and my precious Triplets!

Lowawsa, hiding under my arm and my Anya

Zanzibar

Wow! Just got back from Zanzibar with Marsha and what a great trip! We travelled budget but you would never know with the AMAZING, spectacular, breathtaking beaches and water. Our travels were adventurous and long with a 10 hour bus ride to Dar Salaam, a 2 hour ferry to Stone Town, and a mini bus to the Eastern coast, Jambaini. The North Beaches tend to be more popular with tourists and we wanted seclusion and boy did be get it! The beach was amazing. At low tide you could walk a quarter of a mile before you got to water and then easily another quarter of a mile in the shallow water. At one point, I hiked out a good amount, sat in the knee height water. I was surrounded by ocean and only the immense sky above me and was blown away by how small I am and how BIG our God is...Amen? The people were very friendly...we ate locally both in Stone Town and one night in Zanzibar. I finally tried Ugali (very good!), the local staple food and even had some fresh octopus (thanks Dan), delicious! On a side note, I will say this trip has been redefining my viewpoint on poverty in many ways but in particular in food! The food is so fresh and delicious here in Tanzania.

Anyway, Zanzibar is so amazing...even at night we watched the full moon rise and it was beautiful. Too many stories to share, but I would rather share some pictures...they don't capture the full beauty of Zanzibar...but maybe a start?

I did miss the babies terribly and can't believe I have only 1 1/2 weeks left! Ack...more later, but enjoy a few pics!

Me, surrounded by water, in paradise. We took a boat ride/snorkeling trip with Captain Chicken.

I ate Octopus at this restaurant! Amazing! And the beach at low tide...

Sadness =(

Almost another week has gone by and I am beginning to realize the end of my trip is coming. Sadness. So sad, I actually postponed coming back 5 days and got a later flight! It just seems like the time is going by so quick and I feel invested in these babies and in Africa. Before coming, they were just sad stories on the Cradle of Love website, now I love them all so much. It bothers me that when I leave I may never know what will happen to them (minus what Davona may post on the website). Will Maria and Carolina get adopted? Will Musa and Rahma live happy long lives despite HIV? Will my precious triplets go home with their daddy in the Massai village? And if so, will they be at the mercy of the Massai's ways...marriage at sometimes 13? What is going to happen to these little angels? I am told a majority of the babies are returned to their families...which leads to a visit we received last weekend. One of the babies' grandma showed up to the orphanage drunk. Apparently, the mom didn't want the baby and gave it to the grandma, who has too serious of a drinking problem to take care of the child. This is just one sad story of why a baby is here. One baby was beaten by her mom...most are abandoned. And these are the types of homes these babies are returning too? I don't want to sound too pessimistic, I know babies go home and are loved and are well taken care of...I guess, like I said, I feel invested in MY babies' lives. I just don't like the idea of never seeing these babies again...sigh. Oh boy is it going to be hard to readjust and come home! Anyway, I don't want to be a complete debbie downer (waahhhh, waaaahhh)...just want to be real about my feelings right now. And again, praying God provides loving Christian homes to all of these babies.

In other news, we got 3 new room mates this week. They are all teachers and seem very sweet. On the flipside, Candice left today and Nina leaves Saturday. I am sad not to have these girls around and the dynamic in the house is going to be sooooooo different. Only a little bit of time left though. Sunday, Marsha and I leave to do some traveling. We will go to Dar Salam for a few days and then Zanzibar...super excited to get a few days of rest and reflection. When we get back, I will only have 1 1/2 more weeks with the babies! Well, let me end on a happy note...here are some pictures of precious Carolina (for you Davona) taking a bath and Prince on a field trip to the coffee shop. He had a great time drinking soda (not coffee despite the mug) and eating a chocolate chip cookie. Don't be fooled by his face, just thought it was appropriate for this blog entry!

Schools

Another good week here in Tanzania. This week was fairly uneventful compared to last week. I mostly hung out with the babies =P But, I did get the opportunity to visit a few schools. The first school is extremely poor. It is located outside of Arusha in the middle of nowhere. This is a primary school and we got to sit in on classrooms and talk with a few teachers. One teachers' story stole my heart! She lives at an orphanage, so that she may volunteer at night and on the weekends. But during the work week, she dala dalas one hour through town and then walks 1 1/2 hours (!) to be at the school to teach 40 4-6 year olds! And, did I mention, she doesn't get paid? I was so blessed to meet with her and we shared teaching stories and chatted like old friends. I hope to get the opportunity to visit her at her orphanage again this week.

The second school we visited is called Peace House Secondary. It is a boarding school, just built last year, outside of Arusha. The school only accepts the poorest of the poor, which they verify through house visits and an extensive application process. If a child qualifies (meaning has no money and passes a standard test), the school pays for everything for that child. This includes, books, food, everything...Personally, I LOVED this school and was very interested to hear they have volunteer housing on campus and would accept volunteer teachers....hmmmm.

This weekend was also good. Friday night we went to a concert at a local church that featured Massai singers and dancers. It was so incredible to hear their testimonies (they are Christian). And delightful to hear them sing...


Yesterday was a day of rest and today was church! In between, of course, baby time =P We took toddlers to church again today and they are becoming naturals at travelling with us girls. A little sad that Candice and Nina leave this week! 3 more girls will be arriving tomorrow at the house though and hopefully we will get along just as well!


It is crazy to think that I only have a few weeks left in TZ. Everyday I get a little bit sadder about thinking of leaving these babies. Especially when they have such uncertain futures. I am praying every single one will be welcomed into a loving Christian family. Certainly our God is big enough?


Love! Jess


Visiting primary school

Candice and I with some of the Massai singers

Love